A few weeks back I had the chance to hear Dr. Larry Osborne, pastor of North Coast Church in San Diego county, speak several times at the RightNow Conference. I also had the chance to ask him a few questions about small groups as well. If you’re trying to figure out who he his you may know him as the author of “Sticky Church” and “Sticky Teams”, both great books based on his experiences at North Coast. One thing that he said above all stood out to me. He said, “if anyone ever says your church has cliques, they’re usually wrong and let me tell you why. People are like Leggos.” He went on to explain that people, like individual Leggos, only have so many connectors and when they are full what happens is, people will be friendly with someone they meet, but they won’t go deep. Introverted people are like the little Leggos with two connectors, extroverts are like the bases that have 48+ connectors. Regardless of the number of connectors, once they are full there is no room for someone new. He said that’s the reason why at North Coast they are intentional about starting small groups just for new people. They are led by a veteran but the group is made up of people new to the scene. The reason why? When you’re brand new all of your connectors are empty. There’s lots of room for new connections/relationships. When you drop that same new person into a group that’s already established it’s much harder for them to make that same connection. Why? Because they are a “clique”? Not at all. Because all of their connectors are full. After I heard this it sounded good but I wondered how true it really was so I took a look at my own life. By all accounts I’m very outgoing. I would definitely be one of the Leggo “bases” with tons of connectors. I’m the guy on Sunday morning that goes around making sure to meet every new face I see, and the one that starts a conversation with you in line at Walmart (sorry, that’s me…). I’ve never met a stranger. I know lots of people but am only “connected” with a select few. I’m talking the ones that I go deep with, hang out with, do life with. These are the ones that get an automatic invitation to anything and everything I have going on. Everyone else I truly like, might even enjoy being around, but because my connectors are full, don’t get the same attention the others get. If you don’t believe me or aren’t buying into this follow me on this example that made me realize how dead on Larry is. I run into people I know all the time. I’m talking people I haven’t seen in 20 years. Sometimes the people I run into were actually really good friends back in the day. They were one of the people I was connected to. Here’s how the scene plays out and I bet you’ve experienced it too. You run into each other, are genuinely excited to see this old face, exchange numbers/emails, promise to get together and catch up, and then you never talk to them again. Ok, maybe you do give them a call or send them an email, but you never reconnect like you thought you would. Why? Because all of your connectors (and most likely theirs) are full now. I have a really good friend of mine that is a pastor that I love dearly. I love being around him and love talking to him. We can talk ministry, life, and vision for hours and with such passion. There’s one huge thing wrong with this picture though. We rarely do. Even though when we do talk, which is usually once or twice a month max, we always say how we have to stay in contact and how we’ve got to hang out, we hardly ever do. So what’s the problem? Even though we truly love each other like brothers and have the greatest of intentions, both of our connectors are full. That’s the reality of it. You might be thinking, “what do I do then?” There are exceptions to the rule of course, and sometimes you meet someone that you just connect with on level that is out of the ordinary and they work their way in. Typically, the only real way to connect with someone new in a deep way is when a connector comes open. Maybe somebody moves, schedule changes, life happens, and now due to circumstances you can’t connect like you used to. A connector comes open and it’s available to be filled.
Does this make sense? I’d love to hear your thoughts.